


i think i think too much.

by discodancing



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Brooke's Mother's Car, Character Study, Gen, Platonic Relationships, Rich Goranski Needs a Hug, Road Trips, he loves his friends allow him some rights, mb i just care rich goranski
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24723973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discodancing/pseuds/discodancing
Summary: a study in rich goranski and his love for his friends.
Relationships: Platonic Relationships - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	i think i think too much.

**Author's Note:**

> be gentle im really proud of this.

The rain hit the roof of the car, a constant pattern of noise fighting against the soft music. The car, Brooke’s mother’s beat up Honda Odyssey, was parked in the lot of some abandoned store. Rich was sure it’d been a family owned restaurant of some kind, but couldn’t place the name. If the Squip were here, it’d have been able to tell him, he was sure. 

His hand lifted, quickly, and smacked the side of his head hard. He tended to do that, sometimes— whenever he thought of that thing, he felt the need to smack it out of his thoughts. Sometimes, every now and then, he thought about how much easier life was with it. If he still had the Squip after the fire, he’d have been able to explain himself to Jake without the month of terrified anticipation. He’d have been able to apologize to Brooke for the one time they dated in sophomore year, and to Jenna for constantly ignoring her attempts at friendship. The thought hurt, but, of course, he knew Squip-less Rich was the way to be. 

He heard a rustling from the front seat and peered over, where Chloe seemed to have turned over in her sleep. Her mouth was open and her hair was covering half of her face— she bore a striking resemblance to the girl from The Ring like that, and Rich couldn’t help but let out the smallest of laughs. Maybe she’d have killed him brutally if she was awake, but he knew she’d do it with a fond smile.

It was really a wonder they still liked him. He lied about himself to become friends with them, then proceeded to have a mental breakdown and burn Jake’s house to the ground. It wasn’t a look he was particularly fond of seeing on himself, but the angry scars that covered seventy percent of his body would never let him forget it. It wasn’t as though he deserved to forget it, either. He wouldn’t have blamed the four of them (Jake, Brooke, Jenna, Chloe) if they’d dropped him like a fly as soon as they got word of what had happened, but they didn’t. He’d never be able to understand that. 

*

“Oh my God!” 

The car took a sharp swerve to the left, and Rich gripped Jenna’s wrist for dear life. Luckily, Jake managed to get the car back in the proper lane without any injury. Brooke had screamed, pointing desperately to a pastel coloured building off the next exit. Jake, sighing with a small grin, switched lanes so they could go visit. 

“It’s Menchie’s! I’ve never tried it!” She was so excited, eyes bright as she ran towards the building. Jake had barely even stopped the car, a laugh leaving him as he watched Jenna chase Brooke inside.

When they entered, Brooke shoved a personalized cup of ‘froyo à la Lohst’ (as Chloe called it) into each of their hands. She’d paid for it already, then shoved all their money back into their pockets. A tip for almost causing Jake to crash the car, apparently.

Brooke’s eyes were bright, and if Rich would want to go blind, it would be because of her.

*

That night was the same as any other. They pulled into an empty lot, shut the car off and connected Jenna’s phone to the Bluetooth speaker, then they crashed.

Well, four of them did. Rich didn’t crash— he rarely slept much, and it wasn’t for any reason other than the fact that he didn’t tire as quickly as most did. Michael said it was because he had too much energy stored inside his short body, and maybe he was right. Rich was beyond the point of being upset about his height. It wasn’t like he could change it, so why bother dwelling on it?

It wasn’t raining anymore. The night before, the rain had served as something to focus on, something to listen to as he tried to get his thoughts in order. The music, something by MGMT or Grouplove or whatever, played gently through Jenna’s speaker, but it was a distraction from thought more than anything else. He didn’t quite want a distraction, but he also knew that Jenna had a hard time sleeping without music (and she looked so damn peaceful), so he didn’t want to shut it off. 

It had been three months since the ‘Squipcident’, as they’d all come to call it, and as much as Rich would have loved to say he was adjusted and back to normal, the truth was that he was nowhere near square one. It was weird being alone in his own head again, like he had too much room. He heard Jeremy compare it to swimming a lot, but to Rich, it was more akin to drowning. Drowning in empty space, in possibilities of what he could think about without getting in trouble. He could think about boys again, boys with muscles and with square jaws, he could think about his D&D cleric, he could think about singing in the shower without being shocked all the way down his spine.

It was a nice feeling, but he was terrified. Since when was it this scary to be normal?

*

“Rich, c’mere.” 

Chloe’s voice sounded across the beach in a cheery manner that some might have called uncharacteristic. It wasn’t, though, and anyone who was close to her could tell. She liked to smile, liked to show that she wasn’t some stone cold bitch, but only around the people she trusted. Her reputation was important to her— she wanted to feel powerful and in control. Rich understood that. School was the only place Chloe had any control at all; parents in the middle of a nasty divorce, brother gone to college, sister out on continuous benders. 

Chloe always said that if you lived in a nightmare for long enough, you’d eventually become one. She was more right than any of them would like to admit.

He ran up to her and Brooke and grabbed her phone, snapping the picture they’d asked him to. He looked at Chloe’s smile, genuine and contagious as ever. 

He hoped Chloe knew she was like a good dream, not a nightmare.

*

It was a windy night, just after one o’clock. He wasn’t sure how many days they were into this road trip, this spontaneous adventure. All he knew was that he never wanted to leave the four of them— Rich 1.0 was getting worryingly attached.

The Squip often told him that one of his biggest problems was his tendency to get attached to people who wanted nothing to do with him. It told him that he wasn’t worth being attached to until he changed everything about himself, until he traded the plaid for camo and the lisp for insults. He had to listen to obscure rap or Green Day, not twenty one pilots like he wanted to. He had to skateboard and drink, and he could never play D&D. Social suicide, the Squip said. Social suicide.

It seemed like everything about Rich was social suicide. 

Brooke didn’t think so, though. She said that his yellow plaid suited him well. Chloe didn’t think so, either. She always said she thought his neediness was cute, in a weird way. From her, that might as well have been a kiss on the forehead. Jenna thought he was cool, or so she said. She thought he was fun to gossip with. Jake thought he was the best ever. He always said that much when they were playing ball, or when Rich was showing him his old stash of records. 

Everything about him was wonderful, apparently, but when his own brain was telling him otherwise, it was a little bit hard to believe.

*

“Happy birthday!” 

Rich jumped about six feet in the air. It was day eight of this road trip, and he hadn’t told anyone about his birthday. Not a soul, and for good reason. His friends were crazy. He knew they’d go all out.

Er— well, he thought they would. Instead, Jenna plopped herself down next to him with a bakery cupcake on a green paper plate. It looked like she’d just bought it and— was that red velvet? That was his favourite! 

“How’d you know my birthday?” He asked, grabbing the cupcake. He was barely suppressing a grin; sometimes he forgot he could do that without being reprimanded. Sometimes he forgot he could do a lot of things, like talk to Jenna without ignoring her after she shared people’s secrets. 

“I know my friends!” 

She did, and for that, Rich would be eternally grateful. 

She smiled, and behind her eyes, Rich saw the stars.

*

The hood of the car had quickly become his favourite place to sit when everyone else was asleep. No matter the weather, no matter how late it was into the night, he always found himself seated there with his head tilted to the sky. It was easier to breathe, easier to keep from drowning in the empty space in his brain this way. 

The car was nice. It wasn’t as if he was avoiding being in there, but being squished up against people while they slept, all vulnerable and weak? The thought made him twitch and shiver. He knew he wouldn’t want to be in that position, watched over by someone who showed no signs of sleeping soon. So, naturally, he always let himself out into the night to sit down alone. He’d learned it was a good way to ignore Jenna’s music, Chloe’s constant shifting, Brooke’s soft snores and Jake’s occasional muttering. 

The car moved every now and then, a small shake from somebody moving or a slight roll if Rich leaned too far one way or too far the other. That was what he chose to focus on, eyes closing as the car rocked along with his forward lean. It felt calming, like he was lulled into security by the gentle moving of the vehicle. Like he was floating, almost, nothing to care about except for the land out in front of him and the people in the car he sat on.

Oh, to have no care in the world.

*

“Rich? You good, bro?”

No, he wasn’t. The store they’d parked their car at had gone up in flames overnight. 

Rich and Jake both liked to pretend that they weren’t afraid of fire. They liked to pretend that the shivers creeping up their necks were coincidental, and that the fire didn’t bother them at all. They liked to think that the fact that they were inseparable on Halloween was by chance, not because Rich burnt Jake’s house down because of a supercomputer. 

“Yeah— fine.” He was a liar for that, and Jake wasn’t stupid. They’d left the site of the fire the minute they’d spotted it, but the two of them were still beyond shaken up. 

“No you’re not.” Jake plopped down next to him on the park bench, and that was enough. 

Someday he’d find a way to face it, but until then, having Jake by his side was all he could ask for. 

*

It was raining again, on their last night. Maybe that was a good thing, considering that they were meant to have a bonfire (Rich’s own suggestion; an attempt to face his fear head on).

Instead of the fire, they sat out in the rain. Rich and Jenna were on the roof of the car, Brooke, Chloe and Jake in tiny lawn chairs they’d pulled out of the trunk of the car. 

The noise of the rain wasn’t a distraction anymore. The only noise he needed to hear were the laughs of his friends.

He caught each of their eyes in a smile. Yeah. He’d be okay.


End file.
